Monday, 27 February 2012
Regressing due to Fear
the act of going back to a previous place or state; return or reversion.
Thanks to the consultant who informed me that no matter what I do i am going to lose either the use of my right leg or, worse still, the actual leg I feel like I have begun to regress.
Once again all I want to do is drink. Once again all I want to see the glint of silver in the light as the blade flashes down towards my pale, tattooed skin. Once again I want to watch as the rivers of red run over my skin. No longer do I want to sleep, because sleep brings nightmares, and when I do sleep I don't want to wake because that brings me one day closer to being incomplete.
Yet I know that I can't let the things I want to take over my life again, as they did in the past. I hope I am now stronger than I was in those dark days. I hope that, no matter what, those that love me, those that like me will still treat me just as they always have.
I am not afraid to admit that I am scared, scared that I will lose everything once I lose my leg. Scared the people I love the most will turn their backs on me, scared that my children will be afraid of their one-legged father, scared that all the friends I have made over the years will be scared to speak for fear of saying the wrong thing.