Monday, 27 February 2012

Regressing due to Fear


the act of going back to a previous place or state; return or reversion.

Thanks to the consultant who informed me that no matter what I do i am going to lose either the use of my right leg or, worse still, the actual leg I feel like I have begun to regress.

Once again all I want to do is drink. Once again all I want to see the glint of silver in the light as the blade flashes down towards my pale, tattooed skin. Once again I want to watch as the rivers of red run over my skin. No longer do I want to sleep, because sleep brings nightmares, and when I do sleep I don't want to wake because that brings me one day closer to being incomplete. 

Yet I know that I can't let the things I want to take over my life again, as they did in the past. I hope I am now stronger than I was in those dark days. I hope that, no matter what, those that love me, those that like me will still treat me just as they always have.

I am not afraid to admit that I am scared, scared that I will lose everything once I lose my leg. Scared the people I love the most will turn their backs on me, scared that my children will be afraid of their one-legged father, scared that all the friends I have made over the years will be scared to speak for fear of saying the wrong thing.


Jodi Olson said...

First off HUGS! We used to chat a lot before but haven't lately. I thought of us as friends and still do.With or without your leg I'd still be your friend. Those that leave the friendship BECAUSE of IT are not your real friends then.

Wish I was good at writing this stuff and hope it makes sense and doesnt sound stupid. Lots and lots of hugs.


Jean said...

Julez! I thought you knew that my friendship is not contingent on body parts but on who you are. You're a great person, a loving human being. While I'm sad that you may have to go through this, I know your friends and loved ones will stand by you.

You will be the same man, no matter what. Your children will continue to seek your love and approval, your friends will continue to share their victories and defeats with you. We will all continue to count on your friendship because it's not about physical condition but about heart. Sending you hugs. Wish I could be there to hold your hand.

Eden Connor said...

Julez, this may or may not help you at all, but when I was researching the novel I just finished, I read a lot about the advances in prostheses. With so many wounded in Iraq and Afghanistan, I learned a significant portion of them came back to the US, got their amputations done, got fitted, did the rehab and requested to return to active duty, and have been approved. Some even in Special Forces. This might mean you aren't facing a future as bleak as you believe. Please look into it.

Kellie Kamryn said...

I'm glad you're expressing your fears. A lot of times they are a hundred times worse when we keep them inside our own heads. It's good you're sharing. If you lose people from your life over this, that is their loss because you are still the same wonderful individual you are now. These kinds of decisions are hell. Wish you didn't have to make it, but there are those who care and will stand by you no matter what you decide. Don't let the fear win.

Pablo Michaels said...

Julez, you have a difficult decision and life ahead, but with me you will always be the strong person I know from you're writing. I hope you make the best choice for you and come out stronger than currently.

Cassandre Dayne said...

My friend - the measure of the man is his heart and soul and you dear one have so much of both. Whether or not you lose your leg won't change a single thing about what makes you so vital and such a great man. I wish I could take away the pain and fear but I can't. I can only tell you that I'm here and will always adore you. Always. Please don't fall into despair and into a bottle. It'll take away the creative and beautiful other side of you. Just breathe and know people really do care about you.

Tessa said...

Julez, I can't imagine what you're going through, but know this, I'm here for you, as are we all. Fear is nothing to be ashamed of, it shows you're human, and is totally natural for what lies ahead. You will not lose friends, because if you do, their friendship wasn't worth having in the first place, and your family will still love you. How can they not? You're clearly a lovable person. Did you watch that episode of the 'One show' I noted the other day? I really think it would give you hope... And there is hope, there is *always* hope x