Thursday, 15 September 2011

WARNING: One of my life's lowest points

Before I wrote erotica, and at one of the lowest points in my life, I wrote this small piece. It isn't nice to read but, at the time, it was how I saw my life. Thankfully  because of erotica, and all the good people that I have met through my erotic writing, the thoughts in this piece are all in the past. Yes I still suffer depression, and take medication to control it, but now I NEVER touch alcohol, even though there are times I would love just one drink and the cutting has been left in the past, where it belongs.

There seemed to be only one way out of this mess. Picking up the bottle in front of him he took another massive gulp. He didn’t really like the taste but it did its job, he always managed to get drunk and fall asleep after a bottle of the stuff. He hated the way his life had spiralled out of control. All he could see was pain, hurt, suffering and loneliness. 

In the past he had turned to pain to get through the hurt and hatred he felt. More than once he had taken an object and cut himself, thinking that the pain he felt would be released when the blood flowed freely from his body. He had sat and watched as the blood ran down his arms, legs and chest feeling the release that was needed. Once the cutting had finished he had felt better, he just didn’t know why.

Looking at the half empty bottle he knew that the release would come soon. Finally he would get the sleep that he had needed for so long, even though he knew that he would wake to the same despairing world that he so wanted to escape.

Another mouthful from the bottle slid easily down his throat. Jeez that feels real good. He thought to himself. The room started spinning whenever he shut his eyes but he didn’t care. Soon he would sleep and then there would be no problems. The only trouble he was having was that he couldn’t get the feeling of pain out of his system. The thoughts running through his mind once again turned to pain.

He stood and the room spun around. He reached out and grabbed the first thing he could, which was the sofa. He was glad there was nobody to see the state he was in. He hated feeling like this but he could see no way out of the mess. Walking to the kitchen he listened, hoping that everything stayed like it was. It was as quiet as a grave, just the way he liked it. There would be no distractions. Nothing could stop him this time. Finally the pain was going to stop.

He opened the kitchen draw, and very slowly took out what he was looking for. He took the knife from the draw and looked at it, the blade glistening in the light. Looking at his body he couldn’t decide what he should do. Do I go the whole way or just release myself? He questioned, not sure whether to just end the pain once and for all.

“Daddy can I have a glass of water please”

The voice shocked him, and he dropped the blade. Turning he saw his son standing there, a smile on his face. An innocent smile, not knowing what was going on, all he could see was his daddy. It was then he realized that no amount of pain was worth losing his boy. He reached out and picked his son up and it was then that the tears began to flow.


kimfaulks said...

This is beautiful Julez. How can we ever hope to appreciate all the good times without ever experiencing the bad times as well? I love it, thank you for sharing this with us.

Pablo Michaels said...

Truly a very painful release of expression of how you felt. Fortunately there was someone there who needed you and you realized your life was worth living.

An Open Book said...

WOW- what an eye-opener J- talk about the proverbial little voice halting a scene- wonderfully written and described
Dawne P

Kiki Howell - Author said...

Wonderful, brutally honest post! I found tears in my eyes, as I have known a few moments myself where only my kids kept me here. For me as well, writing has gotten me through a lot, but I know too that pieces like this one are sometimes the hardest to write. Thanks for sharing. Sometimes it is good to remember where we have been to renew the gratefulness as to where we are now :)


Vampirique Dezire said...

Julez, I'm glad I met you and I'm glad you are my friend. You are always there for me and I will always be there for you.
Love you my darling friend.
*bites n kisses*